There are a number of catch-phrases, cliches, and mottoes you will hear while in recovery or working with someone in recovery. Perhaps the most famous is “One Day at a Time.”
It’s easy to repeat them, or to mindlessly spit them at people trying to cope with the arena of addiction, but to really benefit from them we feel it is important to fully comprehend them, to do a thorough examination of the words, as few and simple as they may sound, and to revisit them regularly to further gain insight and strength from them.
One of my favourites of late is “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” The first few times I heard that phrase, it struck me funny – more funny odd than funny haha. I heard it in a meeting, of that anonymous club to which I belong, and it struck me funny because we were in a room where one of the core principles is that anonymity – it gives us the freedom to be open and honest.
But on further reflection I realised that there is a big difference between anonymity and secrets. The principle of anonymity means that each of us respects our fellow addicts, and the friends, family, and loved ones of them, by honouring their privacy and anonymity. The principle of no secrets means that we recognise that part of our addictive activity requires us to minimise or hide what we are doing – hidden bottles, secret stashes, pre-drinking before social engagements, and all other sorts of secrets to keep others from realising the depth of our despair and depravity.
And for many of us, our addictions are horribly flawed attempts to find coping mechanisms to “deal with” (avoid, more honestly) other secrets. These can include past abuse – physical, sexual, psychological, or other; emotional hurts that we fiercely embraced and internalized and now struggle to process through; feelings of loss and deprivation over things we had to give up; failed, flawed, or just plain fucked-up relationships that may have started under dubious enough circumstances, but then were made scores times worse by our using – using of substances, of gifts, and of people; and other various things we would prefer to leave in the dark though we know they will only fester there, where exposing them instead to the light of day would help begin a true healing from them.
So for those of you dealing with a recovering addict, try to bear in mind that if they are joking or talking openly and honestly about their issues and struggles, that’s actually a good sign. It’s when we clam up, and become secretive and sneaky, and when we are obviously making pathetic efforts to appear “normal” that we are most likely back in the throes of our addictions.
Put another way, “If you don’t laugh, you cry.”
